MEN'S 43 or so RULES FOR WOMEN by Every guy in America 1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt. 5. Shopping is not fascinating. 6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 7. Unless the answer is yes. 8. In which case, can he videotape it? 9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 15. He heard you the first time. 16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little. 17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 20. Dogs good. Cats bad. 21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument. 24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 25. He was not looking at that other girl. 26. Well, okay... maybe a little. 27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... 28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt". 29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all. 39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 40. Don't hog the covers. 41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that... 42. He does not just want to be friends. 43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
TOP TEN ways you can tell you're in a Kinky Sex Bar.
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Hello."
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LOVE - when you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
THE YOUNG GIRL SAY`S TO HER MUM "HEY MUM I THINK I`M TURNING INTO A BOY"
MUM SAY`S " WHAT MAKE`S YOU SAY SUCH A STRANGE THING ?."
THE DAUGHTER REPLY`S "WELL MUM I`VE STARTED GROWING HAIR ON MY CHEST."
MUM SAY`S "WELL HONEY , THAT`S NOT UNUSUAL, HOW FAR DO THEY GROW?.
THE DAUGHTER ANSWERS , "NOT THAT FAR MUM, ONLY DOWN TO MY BALL`S.
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden. But no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment".
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking throught the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from by behind a tree.
"Ah-ha!" the wolf said "Now I've got you and I am going to eat you!"
"Eat! Eat! Eat!", Little Red Riding Hood said angrily "damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore!"
A traveler approaches the ticket counter at the airport and notices the ticket agent has very large breasts and a very tight uniform on, obviously showing off her breasts. Concentrating on her breasts rather than what he's saying, he asks, "May I have two pickets to titsburg?"
Immediately, he is very embarassed, but the agent tells him not to worry about it.
He arrives in Pittsburgh and begins tells the story to his friend, and asks him if he's every been tounge-tied like that. "As a matter of fact, I was...just this morning over breakfast with my wife," his friend replies. "I meant to say 'please pass the peach preserves,' and instead said, 'you've ruined my life, you fucking bitch!'"
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, Well, that won't work!" "Why?!" asks his mom. And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Farmer Jones has no pigs, but decides he wants to start raising them. So he goes to the local Pig Emporium and buys 20 pigs.
When he gets them home, he discovers that all of them are females. Since he now has no way to start pig families, he calls his neighbor, Farmer Brown, and asks if he can bring the pigs over to mate with his males. Farmer Brown, of course, being the good neighbor he is, agrees.
So Farmer Jones loads the pigs on his truck, and over to Brown's he goes, where he lets the pigs frolic all day with the males. When he picks them up that night, he asks Brown how he will know if the mating was successful and the pigs are pregnant. Brown tells him that the pigs will graze differently and act different in the morning while eating.
Jones gets up the next morning, looks out the window, but darn it, the pigs are eating the way they always do. So, he loads them up again on the truck, and goes over to Brown's for the day.
The next morning, the same thing happens - the pigs are eating normally. Once again, he loads them up, trucks them over in the morning, and brings them back that night.
The next morning, he tells his wife he doesn't want to look out the window - she needs to do it, and tell him what she sees. She looks, and he asks "ok, are they eating any differently?" "No," she answers, "but most of them are in the back of the truck, and one of them is blowing the horn."
What's the difference between a lost golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered". "I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless and their head and ass are interchangeable.
DICTIONARY OF DATING ========================== >
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to
a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do
so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes,
not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact
that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few
months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more
often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in
love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was a curious little guy and was always asking questions. One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you?
Auntie: Well Johnny, that's not a question that you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh?
Auntie: Johnny! That's not a question you ask a lady.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don't you and your boyfriend sleep in the same bed?
Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That's not a question you ask a lady!
Johnny went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt again.
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You're 135 pounds.
Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?
Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know all this?
Johnny: Well, I found your driver's license last night. Here it says that you're 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it explains why you don't sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.
Auntie: Where does it say that?
Johnny: Right here. It says you got an "F" in Sex.
One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...
The following day, when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell her or his story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket"
Next is little Lucy: "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they've hatched"
Last is little Billy. "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. Before it crashed, he jumped out with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. "Yes, maam," Billy replies: "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter; it's always good.
19. When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbors awake.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without
getting your face slapped.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during
working hours without upsetting your work mates.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate
without being called nasty names.
7. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real
meaning with chocolate.
1. You can GET chocolate.
There this truck driver that slammed into a brand new lamborghini that roy and autin had just taken from the dealer for a test spin. Roy jumped out and started screaming at trhe truck driver. The trucker of well muscled gorilla build shouted back kiss my hairy balls you cock sucker. Roy ran back to report to austin who was still sitting in the sports car. I think everthings going to be alright. he wants to settle out of court.
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"